Dress: Future Collective x Jenee Naylor | Heels: Jacquemus | Bag: Brandon Blackwood

It’s been so long since I’ve posted here and I feel so terribly for neglecting my first baby. After losing my best friend to breast cancer and going through a terrible divorce after finding out my ex husband was living a double life at the SAME TIME, I have to admit it was hard for me to create anything. Loss and betrayal are some of the worst things a person can go through in life, and the double whammy all but took me out. It took a while before I could even see the beauty in things anymore. Sometimes, I still can’t. When she realized her breast cancer, which allegedly “isn’t a risk” before age 40 (a lie), my best friend created a will and left it with me “just in case” as she went through a series of surgeries. She was terrified and exhausted, but hopeful. Although I knew beforehand what her wishes were, it was still incredibly difficult to receive all of the things she had left to me when she ultimately passed. She should be here. She was too young and too amazing with so much more to do to succumb to breast cancer so quickly. She was “too young to even have it”. Her name was Erika, and she loved shoes and makeup about as much as I love fashion. She would absolutely hate these heels because she doesn’t like white on shoes (lol), but I dedicate this post to her because she was always my biggest cheerleader and would be excited I’m excited about something again. And these shoes, being little sculptures, excited me. This bag is one of many I inherited from her. She left me all of her designer collection because she wanted it to go to someone who would cherish it. It’s been almost a year since she passed away. We spoke everyday. She was my first friend. My “big sister” although I’m an only child. She was the Godmother to both of my boys and they called her “Auntie E”. She was also my cousin. My maternal aunt’s daughter. The world doesn’t feel the same without her, but it’s comforting (now) having her things and remembering the excitement she would have when she acquired something new or a memory with the item. They say grief comes in waves but I’m still a bit numb from everything that happened last May. People you thought you knew turn out to be frauds and people you thought would be there forever are suddenly taken away by a horrible disease. You often hear “you’re so strong” when you’re going through something awful and unimaginable. Erika and I would often talk/cry about how physically and mentally tired she was of always having to be “strong”. Is it really admirable or a compliment to be called “strong” when you’re going through something that should never have happened to you? She was so tired and was hoping for some relief after fighting and praying so hard and long. She had been through so much in life and was finally starting to see the light, only for cancer to come in and take her future from her. I hurt so badly for her. And now, I can relate to her anger as she had to fight and advocate for herself and work and mom and live life in excruciating pain as the cancer spread through out her body and mind. When I think of Erika, I think of a baddie who always had the best fragrances and shoes and big laugh who gave the best advice. I wish she had been given the opportunity to be soft and exhale and enjoy the fruits of all of her hard work and dedication to building the life she’d dreamed of. So many women can relate to having to be strong and fight even when you can hardly get out of bed. To all of you, I say it’s ok to be soft and ok to want a life that doesn’t require so much strength and adversity to simply be. I’m working towards that myself as I mourn losing her and the life/family/marriage I came to realize wasn’t real at all. I want better for us all and for all of the women like Erika. We deserve to live and thrive and be loved and celebrated. I don’t have the energy to read through this or edit it, but I know so many women are facing a difficult time right now too so I hope you’re able to understand. Whether its health or work or love or life in general, you deserve grace. You deserve rest. You deserve softness. and I hope that through it all, you’re also able to find beautiful moments as well.

I miss you so much, E. I can almost hear you saying “ewww, bitch. White shoes” as I write this, but I hope you love how I styled your bag anyway since. I don’t think you ever got to wear it but I know you would’ve been a baddie.

xx Slim